“Open” Relationship
Everyone says the worst part about cheating on your partner is the “lying” and “deception.” I tend to think the actual “screwing” can be pretty disrespectful too. Unless you’re in an “open relationship.” Ha. Ha. Let’s be honest. If that’s the case, one of you decided that you think it’s “healthier” to be “free” when in reality you’re just a “narcissist” being a “d-bag.” It works for your partner because they decided that their lifetime supply of self-esteem was used up when they were an “athlete” during that intermural soccer phase freshman year of college. Apart from that scenario, it’s not likely that anyone would exclaim, “Oh, thanks for telling me you’re only gonna dry hump that weirdo you met on myspace! So relieved! Now, let’s go split the check again at Applebees! That place is so classy we can even drink at the bar! It’s like a nightclub!”
Just to be clear, I’m in a good mood today. These are funny thoughts. And I have no idea where they came from. But I decided that they’re obviously appropriate to post on the internet. Obviously.
Creepy Apartment Gym
It’s so awkward when you’re at your creepy apartment gym and just one other person comes in to exercise right next to you. Is it impolite to avoid eye contact while they vigorously lift weights
and then run a 10k on that treadmill from the 19th century? Do they look down on you because you’re only lightly jogging and displaying no interest in doing crunches on the floor? It’s pathetic, but somehow you desperately desire their approval. You go a little faster and immediately regret this decision because now there’s no turning back. They are as aware of you as you are of them. Is it intrusive to interrupt them during their intimate moment of bending over the giant rubber ball? All you really want is the remote control because you know they aren’t actually paying attention to ESPN classics. They’re just hiding their true desire for you to turn to “Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew.” You can’t ask for it though because that may lead to an entire conversation and let’s face it, you aren’t ready for that kind of commitment. When you disturb their silent workout with a laugh to yourself because you’re watching “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” on your iPod, do you reach out to bond with them by acknowledging your outburst? Maybe they enjoy crass humor like you, but you’ll never know because you’re too afraid to speak. Maybe they want you to notice how hard they’re working because no one ever has before. Maybe if, just this once, you set aside that special brand of social phobia reserved only for the gym and simply said “Hello,” you could change their life forever. Maybe if you shed all your preconceived notions about who they are, you could build a lifelong, spiritual connection. Maybe all they’ve ever wanted is a friend. Maybe that’s all anyone is ever really looking for at their creepy apartment gym.
Except for me. Don’t make eye contact with me.
